The Adventures of Flick and Flit
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We hope you have a good time while you’re here
Flick and Flit are flatmates who happen to be best friends. When they get together, crazy things seem to happen. Take yesterday for instance……
It was 10.30 on Saturday morning and Flt felt as if Lennox Lewis had sat on her head. That last Margarita had not been a good idea. “Coffee” mused Flit, putting the kettle on. It didn’t suit her so she took it off, har har.
A loud snorting noise interrupted Flit’s thoughts. There, manic-eyed, in the doorway
swayed Flick, her flatmate and best pal. Flick exploded into the room like a firework.
“Flit! It’s an emergency!”
“What’s happened?”
“ I need a dress. A wow factor dress. Handsome Hunk wants to take me out to dinner tonight!”
Flick was an estate agent. She was very successful at it too. She wasn’t really allowed to fraternize with the clients but her employers Bogworth and Son turned a blind eye as long as all was discreet. Flick had been lusting after Handsome Hunk for weeks. He would jet in from New York or Hong Kong, whisk round some fancy apartments, none of which would be to his taste, then jet off again. He had just called to invite Flick for dinner that evening.
“You’ll have come over really desperate,” said Flit “he knows that you had nothing lined up for tonight. You should’ve said you were busy.”
“Bugger that,” said Flick. “He’s taking me to the Fat Duck”.
“ I see what you mean,” said Flit.
“I need that dress,” said Flick.
“And I need a double gin” said Flit as she surveyed the state of the flat. “Oh sod it, let’s go and get it sorted. What’s it to be, is it the black dress with the low cut back or the white dress with the low cut front?”
“Actually it’s the green dress with the high neck. Come on, let’s get going”
Flit looked bemused. That was more of a top, she thought. She remembered Flick going into numerous spasms on their last shopping trip. Each dress brought a different “ooooh” or “aaaah” but they’d come back empty handed.
“Oh damn” said Flick. “Petrol” as she swerved quickly into the garage.
Flit grimaced, as she knew it would be her who would have to fill it up. Flick had declared her petrol pump phobia to Flit a few years ago. A bad experience had put her off for life. Flit felt sorry for the poor chap that Flick had inadvertently run into. She had been filling up when her mobile rang, so trying to do two things at once she had answered the call, but knocked her handbrake off in getting her phone. His feet were pinned under the wheel and in her panic she had pulled the nozzle out too fast and covered him in petrol – so not only was he pinned under the car but he could have combusted at any time.
Flit got out of the car and watched Flick apply more make-up in the mirror. She would desperately need a drink by lunchtime, as she knew the task ahead would be a tough one.
*
“Do you think it was a good idea leaving your car like that Flick?” asked Flit as they walked out of the car park. “People are going to find it a real problem using the public loos now.”
“Oh, no problem” said Flick airily. “And anyway, that posh Mercedes driver woman made me so cross. Who does she think she is, honking her horn at me? I mean, I got through the ticket machine first and she should learn to drive properly anyway.”
Flit chewed her lip – Flick always seemed to metamorphorsize into an aggressive alien form whenever she got behind the wheel, and pity anyone who got in her way. She had felt rather sorry for Mrs Posh Lady who had been cut up by Flick. The last they saw of her was her careering into some bollards. “Nothing changes,” thought Flit.
“Ah, shops,” said Flick. “Come on, Mission about to begin”
“More like Mission Impossible” thought Flit.
Flick and Flit headed for Madame Zaza’s. It was the swankiest dress shop in town and although it sounded like a lap-dancing club, finding a wow-factor dress there was guaranteed. Both Flick and Flit remembered being dragged into Madame Zaza’s as children with their mothers. Spookily, Madame Zaza’s appearance remained totally unchanged and nobody had ever found out that she was really Janice Higginbottom from Staines.
*
“My God!” said Flick. “I’m stuck!”
Flit stood outside the changing room door.
“How do you mean stuck, Flick?”
“Stuck like well and truly stuck, Flit”
Flit tossed her hair and scratched her head.
“Which bit of you is stuck?”
“Help me – I can’t get it off – I think the zip’s stuck and I’m getting a bit hot”
Flit opened the changing room door and there was Flick, dress over her shoulders, arms stretched in the air and no head to be seen. “And as for the underwear…” thought Flit.
As Flit pulled Flick heaved but this was one well and truly stuck dress.
“I can’t believe this Flit, what shall we do? You have to get it off me – it’s worth a fortune and I can’t….”Flick’s voice got higher and higher.
“Calm down” said Flit in a firm voice but harbouring a shadow of a laugh. “OK then Flick, when I pull, you breathe. On a count of three. One…two…”
PING!
“Oh my God, the sequins! Quick, get dressed and let’s go!”
As they scurried out of the shop and down the road they vowed never to go into Madame Zaza’s again.
“Think I need a drink now Flit”
“Good idea” said Flit.
*
After sharing a “Hot and Spicy Diablo” pizza and a rather nice bottle of frascati, Flick and Flit resumed the hunt.
After an hour of fruitless searching, Flit’s patience snapped and she dragged Flick into the nearest shop.
“But Flit! I wanted something posher than Debenhams!”
Ignoring her, Flit grabbed a handful of dresses and pushed them and a protesting Flick into the nearest cubicle. Muffled outraged squeaks gave way to silence, then an exclamation of joy.
“Flit! I’ve found it! It’s perfect! Look! Flit? Flit? FLIT!!!!!”
Flick stuck her head out of the changing room. Flit had totally disappeared. Spying a large orange sign declaring “Shoe Sale 1st Floor” Flick knew exactly where her friend had gone and shot up the escalator to show her.
*
As they sat in the Manager’s office half an hour later sipping tea, everybody began to calm down. The security guard had turned out to be very nice in the end.
“Do you mind if I put my clothes back on now?” asked Flick as she smoothed down the pink diamante encrusted cocktail number. “It’s a lovely dress but I’m starting to get a bit cold.”
*
“Well I call that a successful day!” Flick exclaimed as they strolled back to the car.
“Ooh, look at all those people outside the toilets!”